the years that follow

I wanted to love and care, but I was evidently tricking myself...

It’s always after the third conversation. Some say that three is a holy number. It’s after the third conversation that she runs away from me. Oh, she’s polite about it, don’t get me wrong.... But once that light turns off, it’s panic, panic on the streets of you name it.... they can’t think up a reason quick enough to get them out of situation...

I’m onto it now... And when the truth is known there’s nothing else to do. I don’t think you can fight the fates and win, especially when you don’t like what they have to say, which is the coldest realization of them all..... So I thank Celine for honestly reminding me...

"You get used to it... but it takes a while... to the idea that you’re in the way wherever you go, that you give off an insufferable smell and really ought to be liquidated... even now I see, I observe, nothing imaginary about it, the same retching look in people who come near me or even hear me mentioned."