nothing left to do, II

In an earlier posting I had written that I didn't understand how it is that people get to be deserving of anything, any one thing. And I had said, I think, that not only do I not feel as if I'm not particularly deserving of anything, I don't know what makes anybody else deserving of what they have. In fact, most of the reasons I can come up with are quite corrupt.

While I agree that life is suffering I don't think that this means life should be lived as grimly as possible. Physical suffering, in particular, I think, should be minimized at all costs. So, I'd like to modify my initial comments on deserving and say that I do understand that people are not deserving of physical suffering. And, why not? 'cause I said so, and I hold compassion as a virtue on good merits.

But this does not make the day to day bold faced individualism any easier to deal with. In fact it's this individualism that obviates compassion. Now, I am not saying that I have a unique handle on compassion, as I too have acted on my own desire for self-gratification on many occasions, occasions that I know were quite harmful to other human beings. And, it's precisely this egoism that kills compassion, and it's precisely this egoism that is both emphasized and encouraged in some of the environments in which I find myself, from time to time.

That's what I don't understand about this deserve, the conviction that an individual potentially deserves all things, and I'm not overstating the nature of the affair here... you can be anything you want, if you didn't know. This is bullshit. Though we're all taught this --- If you work hard enough you can get whatever you want, and if you don't get what you want maybe you didn't work hard enough, or you're missing something, something that you might well deserve, but don't yet have, so go on ahead and fill yourself up with psychotherapy, skin lotion, a social network, or the latest poetry. And, if this doesn't work, "Goddamnit I deserve more than this, surely I deserve more than this," the gravity of the situation is only compunded, gotta try something else --- People are perpetually unfulfilled, and fulfillment was an illusion anyway, it's all very sad.

And, again I am not exempt from this, but my lord it's a pain to push it, but it is pushed, driven around and around again. I think that this is part of the reason why I had always found history intersting as a curiosity but not particularly instructive. Actually, it's on this point that I think many of those folks in the east were on to something, as for them it seems that anything worth learning looks looks pretty much the same regardless of time, place or cast of characters. The epics are as good history as the best historiography on the Crimean War.

Anyway, continuing with my self-indulgence, when I'm told not to worry and that things will all come out in the wash as I duly deserve, I try, or want, to say, "look I've little expectation for return on this investment, and anyway, the resolution does not concern me, and that's okay."

My stammering out of some version of the above is typically followed by two sorts of responses,

"I'm sorry you sound depressed, that must suck" or, "I find the representation of despair interesting."

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In writing all of this, or any other item for that matter, I do not wish to imply that I've some sort of unique insight over the masses (because, simply, there is nothing unique here, or clear even) or that my life is defined by an endless string of such encounters as described above and elsewhere. Very thankfully, in other places, I'm able to find things quite sane.

.... someone's listenting to Neil Young right now, and I hate to say it, as I do like Neil Young, but I want to tell them to turn it down. These characters who just moved in beneath me, if they're not fucking to the CBC news in what must be a painful attempt cover to up their confused groans they're listening to Neil Young, Eddie Veder or Rod Stewart (this is all oddly true).... And, I apologize for informing you of this, this is pain I should have held onto.